Looking Back

"I think I am depressed."

I was looking through an old journal last night and came across this entry from sophomore year at Roberts. It came after a couple of entries discussing recent confusion and regrets.

I was treated for depression starting in the spring of 2009. I had been writing in this journal during the days leading up to the day I finally got help. I had not read these entries again until last night. It was interesting to look back on what was going on in my mind at the time. Here were some of my thoughts:

"Lord, remove the suicide thoughts from my mind. I know they are not glorifying to You and they are starting to scare me and make me wonder. Please do not let me commit suicide! I know that would be selfish of me and so wrong to do. But I am having these thoughts - so please help to remove them from my mind Lord!"

"Lord - I'm in my car again. I've been here a lot lately. It just feels safe to me. It's mine and no one else can bother me here. I've been spending a lot of time by myself lately - perhaps too much alone time."

"I talked to my family yesterday. I did not tell them all the negative thoughts I have been having. I feel like I've already been such a burden to them - how can I put them through more? What would they say if they knew I was having such depressive thoughts/feelings/actions?"

"Stop having these thoughts Laura! You are kind, compassionate, loving, encouraging, hard working, adventurous, and important. Be confident in who you are and what you have accomplished!"

"The care ride home [to get some professional help from my doctor] was hard. I cried a lot - not sure I was doing the right thing, feeling bad for putting my parents through this. When I got home I could tell my mom had been crying - this has been hard for her."

"Lord - I know I've gotten to the end of my rope. I am worn out and tired! This week I've slowly come to find there are others out there who are willing to help carry my load - it's just a matter of me swallowing my pride and admitting it!"

I am so thankful for those that walked with me during this struggle with depression. It was a slow recovery with some bumps in the road, but I can confidently say that those words from my journal have not been in my thoughts lately!

I did have another entry in that journal from the summer I was struggling - it was mostly me angry at myself for not making much progress. The journal was tossed aside, and I just came across it again. It made me sad to look back on how I felt at the time, and I wrote a new entry updating my journal on the past two years of my life - this was an encouraging entry that will hopefully inspire me again in the future. I am still amazed at where the Lord has brought me since those struggles, thinking my life was no longer worth living. I am now full of joy and excitement for what my future holds and thankful for what God taught me through this difficult time.